Tag archives: Ernies World
I was staring blankly at a shelf in the garage. I’d been on a quest for something when I left the house some 15 steps earlier, but my mind stopped working at about step 12. I moved some boxes around for inspiration. That’s when I found the Monopoly game. It was an early edition. Still […]
I know that many people are now touting that 70 is the new 60 and 40 is the new 30. Does that mean that 10 is the new fetus? They also say that telecommuting is the new work standard. Does that mean we should all get water coolers with life-size computer screens so we can […]
You never know what huge, unusual things you might see when you go to a new beach (that’s new, not nude). “Wow! Looks like that ship sank just before it got to the pier!” We were in Aptos. That’s not a stunned condition, it’s a small beach community just south of Santa Cruz. We were […]
Lately, technology irritates me. It’s not just because I can’t remember all (or any) of my 1,200 passwords. “It’s getting late dear, maybe you should call it a night.” “Nope. Technology is not beating me again.” I typed in zzzzzzz9999999 and waited. The password window hesitated and then… it shook from side to side indicating […]
“Holy ice cubes, Batman,” I said, as a breeze wafted its way up my shorts. “Fifty-seven degrees?” my wife said. “It was in the 70s when we left Oakland Hills.” “Guess it’s like Mark Twain said: ‘The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.’” “Experts claim that Mark Twain never actually […]
“Oh man! There are thousands of them.” “What species are they?” “They are Delphinus delphis,” the captain said. Seems like during every Star Trek movie there comes a scene where they hit the dashboard button that says WARP SPEED. Then they can only hope that the coordinates they set don’t deliver them into the middle […]
“How was your experience in men’s underwear?” The email asked. “Were you a) delighted with your purchase b) kind of giddy c) blasé d) not so giddy or e) totally disenfranchised? Your immediate response is requested.” This was about the tenth follow-up I had received from recent shopping excursions. Seems like every time I buy […]
I learned a lot of new terms when I moved to Santa Barbara in 1977. I got a job at a small medical manufacturing company on lower Chapala called Browne Corporation. (Thank you Larry and Sue Browne. I’m forever grateful for taking a chance a on a long-haired bumpkin from New Hampshire who said things […]
There are some words a husband never wants to hear his wife say, like: “I’ve decided we should go vegan. Here is your lettuce-wrapped mushroom burger and beet fries.” Or: “Why is there a charge on this credit card from the Spearmint Rhino?” Or, worse, “I think it’s time to clean out the garage again.” […]
Occasionally, I find myself in a position that seemed like a good idea at the time, but in hindsight could have used a bit more forethought. For some reason these positions often involve water. Like the time I decided to jump off a roof and into Lake Winnipesaukee at Weirs Beach in Laconia, New Hampshire […]
I love a good excuse. “Why can’t you go to the store?” “Be-cause-ah, dear, my bad front tire could blow and sound like a gunshot. Then the police would show up and I could get arrested for creating a disturbance and be put in a damp jail cell where I could catch pneumonia and die.” […]
“Pretty sure I’m never going to get there, but if I do, I think this is what heaven will be like.” I looked over at my wife. She was shading her eyes and squinting. “Amen,” she said. We woke to streaming sun in our Hamburg, Germany, exchange home. Because it was mid-July and we were […]
Every now and then (daily), a little voice in my head says: “Oh-oh, dude…” This time we were on the Shinkansen, the 200-mile-per-hour Japanese bullet train that is so smooth you could probably give yourself an intricate tattoo without risk of injury. “Ow!” “What are you doing?” Pat asked. I pulled the tip of the […]
“Are you chewing gum?!” Pat asked. “Hai!” I said, using one of the many (three) Japanese words I knew. We were standing next to The Great Buddha of Kamakura “Daibutsu”, the largest outdoor Buddha in Japan. Built in 1252, the 44-foot-tall, 121-ton seated Buddha draws more tourists than the world’s largest ball of saved wire […]
“Have you seen my glasses?” “Unbelievable. You’re always losing them!” It’s true. I have three pair and some days I can’t find any of them. “Here they are,” Pat said, returning from the back patio. “Those are my reading glasses. I need my distance glasses if I have to go… I mean, because I want […]
I love kids. And fortunately, they seem to like me okay, too. Which is good, because between my wife, Pat and I, we have five children, four grandchildren and one granddog that I love teaching new tricks. “Roll over, no? Sit, no? Shake, no? How about lay there like a lump? Yeah!” And now, I […]
I love my wife more than I love football. I just want to make that perfectly clear. I also love the family more than I love football. Another point you need to understand. Finally, I love family events, such as birthday parties, specifically my wife Pat‘s birthday party, more than I love football. That almost […]
“Hi, Siri.” “What can I help you with?” “How do you say, ‘My name is Ernie…?’” “I don’t. My name is Siri.” “You didn’t let me finish, Siri.” “What can I help you with?” “I need to know how to say my name…” “I found this website with names.” “…In Japanese. We are going to […]
“There’s no… air… gasp…” “I think… I’m too dizzy… to drive…” “Lucky… we are… parked then…” We were 11,796 feet up at Alpine Visitors Center on Trail Ridge Road in Rocky Mountain National Park, watching a line of people waiting zombie-like to use the outhouses – the water in the real bathrooms already shut off […]
