Osiel Ocampo The Path to Being Half Full

December is a festive season. A month of family. A month of moderate weight gain. But for many featurees of the Dear Montecito column, December is first and foremost the end of the semester. 

To reflect on the end of term, we are reading a piece by Osiel Ocampo. Osiel was born and raised in Santa Barbara, but cites a recent environmental analysis class for sparking their love of beaches. Twenty years old, Osiel attends Pomona College where they have explored all things creative and are now ready to reflect on the drive to try everything while on an empty fuel tank. In many ways, the end of the semester is defined by time sensitivity. Osiel explores that theme in their letter, discussing what it means to take care of your future self while neglecting your present well-being. 

Dear Montecito,

I’ve just passed my driving test. I will now have a driver’s license. I can now check it off of my list. The weight on my shoulders has been lessened, however it’s still all consuming. One thing down, many many more to go. I wish I could blame it all on my course load, and I do, but I am the problem. I decided… I decided… I decided to take six one-unit courses. Which I’ve never done before. I was driven by fear, by falling behind. And it has been tough. Excruciating. I reply – “I’m miserable” – a little too much. But I feel miserable a little too much. I don’t want to be consumed by schoolwork. I don’t want to do what I don’t want to do. And I often think about this. 

Along with drowning in schoolwork, every second of every day serves as a reminder that I can’t escape school. I live there. I eat there. I sleep there. I feel there. I work there. I’m surrounded on all sides. I exist in a bubble, and yes, it does have so so so many benefits, but it also feels isolating. I feel isolated. I put myself in this predicament, and now I want to complain about it. I made a choice, and I am paying for it. 

Despite trying to do it all – having an internship, maintaining relationships, trying to get A’s wherever I can, taking six classes, trying, attempting, existing, working – something had to give and it was me. I’m not okay. I constantly feel overwhelmed. How am I going to pull off getting four A’s, one B, and a C, all the while building my credit score? All the while managing my personal and adult life. When can I schedule my dentist and doctor appointments so that I can be available to attempt to do it all? I have yet to schedule my health appointments, even though I fought all throughout the summer to be insured. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I don’t make sense. But it is okay. It will get done. 

Somehow somewhere it will all get done because it has to. It just has to. I’m going through it now so that I don’t have to in the spring. And the thing is I can’t even guarantee I won’t feel horrible in the spring too. I know I’ll be taking four classes and I’ll like most of them and learn to like the rest. I know I’ll continue to intern for the Admissions Office. That is all I know, and even then that is not guaranteed. I don’t know what will happen between now and then. I don’t know what I don’t know. Fear of not knowing is my main driving force. Come junior and senior year, I don’t know how much more I’ll have in me. To me, it made the most sense to overload on courses now. I felt like I could take on more. And so I did. 

I really do hope I learn to say no. No, Osiel. I can’t always stretch myself thin and expect myself to be unscathed. Again, out of fear, I took on any opportunity that presented itself. While I was actively struggling, I was adding more to my plate. My cup was half empty, and yet I continued to, I chose to, empty it more. 

I had previously taken a year off of school convinced I was done. I was never returning, I am indeed dramatic, but I felt exhausted. I felt defeated. I didn’t save my money. I didn’t make connections. I was angry I wasn’t enjoying any aspect of college, despite not trying. I shot myself in the foot. Citing feeling lackadaisical and disillusioned, I packed my bags, returning home for winter break never to return again. A year later, I returned to school for spring semester. 

This fall and spring semester would be my first time being at college for a full academic year. My first academic year away from home. It was paramount that I try my best. That I do my best. That I avoid being lackadaisical and disillusioned. While I still feel these things, from time to time, my want to stay in school is stronger, however, I can’t guarantee that my desire to stay in school will carry me to graduation. I cannot guarantee I’ll be willing to do my schoolwork at any given moment. I cannot guarantee I’ll do what is expected of me. Although I’ve proven to myself that I can return to and stay in school, I’m scared that a slew of bad days will result in my departure from school once again. I’m scared that I’ll exhaust my resources, my community. How many more times can I be unsuccessful before people stop caring? Before I stop caring? I’m scared of myself. 

This semester isn’t quite over, but I just survived. I did just enough. I gave what I could. I showed up to my classes, but I failed myself. I didn’t show up for Osiel. My relationship with school directly mirrors my relationship with myself. While I can continuously fail myself in many ways, I can only fail school so many times. My art teacher says, “Now is the time to fail.” And I believe her, I should learn from my failures now because they are low stakes. But will I? That is the frustrating part. But I can try, and I will try. Nothing about this semester has been sustainable. I’ve been quick to create situations for myself that will only result in failure. I’m looking to thrive in spring semester. I’m looking to thrive beyond school. I’m looking to mend. I’m attempting to be half full. 

Muchas Gracias,

Osiel