Courtesy

“Sir, you are a liar, a thief, and a coward!”

“What! You called him ‘Sir’?”

“Why not? Courtesy costs nothing.”

That old joke can probably be blamed for my first encounter with the concept of courtesy – a word which has many shades of meaning, involving politeness, respect, consideration, propriety, and making people feel relaxed and comfortable. At a more rudimentary level, it is simply a matter of demonstrating “good behavior” although that can connote just keeping out of trouble, as in prisoners getting “time off for good behavior.” On a broader scale, it enters into the whole art of “diplomacy.” An ambassador’s job is to maintain good relations, or at least a line of communication, with the host country. If war comes, diplomats can sometimes be placed in a precarious position. It seems ironic that the Japanese ambassador in Washington, D.C. was doing his job right up to December 7, 1941. Of course, the U.S. treated all such “detainees” decently. But that’s not always the case. Shakespeare’s Cleopatra abuses a messenger just because she doesn’t
like his message.

Since Medieval times, there have been various authorities on good manners and etiquette. More recently, this seems to have become primarily a woman’s role, with Emily Post leading the widely syndicated pack, followed by Judith Martin (“Miss Manners”), and Amy Vanderbilt. But what complicates the whole situation is the fact that ideas on these concepts tend to vary, not only from time to time, but also from place to place and from culture to culture. There is no universal standard of propriety. Probably the closest we can come is with the so-called “Golden Rule,” which says that we should behave towards others in the same way we’d want them to behave towards us. This may work on a personal level – but, when it comes to large groups, or nations, the idea breaks down. After all, a rich country can’t do everything for a poor country that the poor country might like. That’s one reason we have borders – to keep out all the foreigners who would benefit from being freely admitted.

I myself grew up partly in England, where good table manners included holding your knife in your right hand, and the fork in your left. In America, I learned that you first cut up the food with both implements, then put the knife down, and eat with the fork.

But, when moralizing about “good manners,” most of us probably assume, that it’s not right to hurt or offend other people if you can avoid doing so. This includes your personal appearance. The lyrics, by Johnny Burke, of a popular song of 1944 called “Swinging on a Star” teach this lesson in a way that children can understand. One stanza says:

“Or would you rather be a Pig? …
A pig is an animal with dirt on his face,
His shoes are a terrible disgrace.
He’s got no manners when he eats his food,
He’s fat and lazy and extremely rude –
But if you don’t give a feather or a fig,
You could grow up to be a Pig!”

But there are other forms of courtesy, which nobody is in too exalted a position to ignore. We’re accustomed to people in powerful positions being late, or keeping us waiting. That’s why punctuality has been called “the politeness of princes.”

Yet the very word “courtesy” is now often shamefully misused. I personally get very annoyed when I receive an unwanted telephone call, usually of a commercial nature, and the caller excuses himself by telling me that this is just a “courtesy call.” Only good manners prevent me from responding that nothing could be more discourteous than this kind of telephonic intrusion.

The ultimate in courtly behavior can probably be attributed to Sir Walter Raleigh, and the famous incident in which, when a favorite of Queen Elizabeth I, he is said to have sacrificed his luxurious cloak at her feet, to save her from stepping in a mud puddle. Unfortunately, not only is the story probably not true (having been first recorded 80 years after it supposedly happened) but the heroic Raleigh, after having devoted most of his life to the distinguished service of his sovereigns, was in the end rewarded by being executed (on spurious charges) by Elizabeth’s successor James I.

Here’s how I tried to express my own feelings on this whole question:

“No law requires people to be polite and considerate – 
except the law of common decency.”