The Power of Friendship: And the Role It Plays in Aging

I can always tell when my husband is texting with his main group of friends (aka, The Core), his smirk and the mischief in his eyes give him away every time. They shamelessly partake in a level of silliness normally reserved for the enviable obliviousness of 10-year-olds.

Their level of creativity, wit, and friendship toward one another is legendary. And the best part? They met as adults, most within the last few years. To have friends like this at any age is such a gift-but to meet as fully formed, mature (relatively speaking) adults is unicorn-sighting rare. Why is that?

Before I took a dive into the deep end to find out, I thought it was important to first talk about friendship itself. In the many sources I consulted, there was a common set of characteristics that seem to define what a friendship really is – a bond of trust, affection, and support were the big winners. Those are banner headlines to place over someone’s name. THIS IS MY PERSON; they tell the world. AND I AM THEIRS. Like a middle-school crush without the awkward first kiss.

The importance of friendship has become a topic more frequently studied and discussed by sociologists worldwide as they are recognizing the value it has on aging itself. There are even emerging terms for older adults who don’t have a partner or close friends; “elder orphans,” or “solo agers.” For many years, the focus in this area of study was on romantic partners. People who had them tend to get sick less and live longer. 

In the 2024 book, The Other Significant Others, author Rhaina Cohen explores the lives and effects of people who choose to place non-romantic partners at the center of their lives. You know, friends. She questions why we emphasize the value of romantic partnerships over all others. “Based on years of original reporting and striking social science research, we undermine romantic relationships by expecting too much of them, while we diminish friendships by expecting too little of them.” So maybe the sociologists got it wrong; it wasn’t the romantic element that was aiding in longevity, it was the companionship.

Last week I was down at the beach with my dogs and ran into two women I often see walking together. In my mind, they were a couple. Their natural ease and humor with one another spoke of a love long lived. On that point alone, my assumption was correct.

When they stopped to pet Winston and Daisy, we started talking. They are both 81, and while they have known one another since high school, it wasn’t until both of their spouses died a few years ago that they reconnected on a deeper level. They started meeting a few times a week to walk and talk, and the benefits were staggering. Toni, the elder friend by three months, lost 50 pounds and normalized all her lab markers. And Margi recently went off her antidepressants that she had been on since she lost her husband. Toni found that she looked forward to seeing her friend so much that they started walking more, and she felt so good from walking, she started eating better. Margi felt so good from the friendship, fresh air, and exercise that she worked with her doctor to reduce and then eliminate her antidepressants. Obviously, this is an extreme example, and one that may not be as realistic for some as for others, but it isn’t far off.

According to the Mayo Clinic, friendship has the power to not only reduce depression but to mitigate it altogether, noting “…Adults with strong social connections have a lower risk of many health problems. That includes depression, high blood pressure and an unhealthy weight.”

Having friends as we get older is highly beneficial. But what about those who don’t have many (or any) friends as they get older?

We get it. Having friends as we get older is highly beneficial. But what about those who don’t have many (or any) friends as they get older? The idea of forging close ties when we are in the second half of life can seem awkward or even daunting. People can be set in their ways and not often open to the prospect of discovering a BFF at this time in their life. It is like finding love when you thought that chapter of your life might be closed. My Aunt is about to turn 80 and has a boyfriend she started dating a year ago after being friends for 30 years. “Who knew this was possible at our age?” she said to me the other day.

Since I started writing this article, I have spoken to many people about making friends over 50; single, divorced, widows/widowers, and empty nesters. The suggestions on how to make friends was fun, quirky and ingenious. Before I sign off, I thought I would leave you with a few of them, just in case.

– Try a dance class or Zumba (“You all feel silly and wonderful together and it becomes a little family you look forward to seeing each week.”) 

– Take a class at the city college (“Learning makes you feel like a kid again – and you are all in it together.”) 

– Volunteer (“Helping the dogs at the shelter has given me a new purpose in life, and my fellow volunteers and I go to dinner after our shift every week.”) 

The secret seems to be finding a common thread to build on. Isolation is a big concern for our elders if they are not active or surrounded by family. We have a “loneliness epidemic” in this country that can be traced back to numerous factors including an increased divorce rate, more children moving away from home, increased rate of working remotely, the collapse of retail and the ability to get anything delivered. We just aren’t interacting with each other enough.

So, to the “Core Group” – thank you for being there for my husband. We love every one of you. 

You know who you are.