Not so Brilliant Description of Grief

As this week marks the anniversary of the January 9th Debris Flow that killed 23 of our neighbors, friends, and, in my case, my 48-year-old husband, Dave, my 17-year-old son, Jack, and our family dog, I was deeply disheartened by the column entitled Brilliant Thoughts: Bad Grief by Ashleigh Brilliant. Flipping through the Montecito Journal, I naively thought the piece might address the profound and lingering grief that many in our community experience during this week of remembrance. The January 9, 2018, Debris Flow was a community tragedy that left no one in Montecito untouched – whether through the loss of loved ones, homes, or a shared sense of safety. However, upon reading the article, I was shocked and saddened to find the author dismissing grief as a “waste of time” and labeling it a “sickness.” Since the mudslide tragedy and my personal losses, I believe I have earned a PhD in grieving and have embraced the value of this painful journey toward healing as the necessary mechanism to move forward and be able to thrive in life. 

As someone who has endured unimaginable loss and navigated the long, arduous journey of healing, I can confidently say that grief is neither a weakness nor a burden to be rushed or dismissed. It is a universal human experience – an essential part of the process of loving and losing. Grief serves as a pathway toward healing, growth, and eventual renewal. To characterize it as “wasting time” diminishes not only the emotional labor required to process profound loss but also the resilience it takes to continue living. Every individual grieves differently, in their own way and at their own pace. To belittle or shame the grief process is to disregard the deeply personal and transformative nature of this
human experience.

Mr. Brilliant views grief as a pathological condition and has several recommendations to intervene. I respectfully challenge his suggestion to remove grief-stricken individuals from their familiar environment as a way to mitigate the grief experience. Grief is not something that can be escaped – it is an expression of love, and the sadness, yearning, and memories associated with loss can be triggered by countless factors such as the days of the week, scents, music, life events, and more, none of which are confined to a specific setting. Research, including works like The Body Keeps the Score, has shown that suppressing or ignoring these triggers can lead to harmful consequences, such as substance abuse, addiction, illness, and severe mental health disorders. Rather than displacing individuals from their environment, the focus should be on equipping them with meaningful tools and strategies to process their grief, navigate the pain, and ultimately move towards healing in a healthy,
sustainable way.

Mr. Brilliant is correct about one thing. The cost of grief to society is staggering. According to a report published by Empathy.com in 2024, U.S. businesses lose over $100 billion each year to absenteeism, reduced productivity, and employee turnover related to grief. Dr. Jennifer R. Levin, a traumatic grief expert and founder of Traumatic Grief Solutions, emphasizes that the most effective way to reduce the societal and workplace costs of grief is by creating programs that actively recognize and support grieving employees. She advocates for a shift in corporate culture to embrace the human realities of loss, allowing workplaces to address grief with compassion and understanding, ultimately minimizing disruption, and fostering resilience. She further states that: “Addressing the natural phenomenon of grief with validation, care, and planning for grief scenarios that will occur is more realistic than removing people from their environment or getting rid of grief.”

American culture stands to gain profoundly from embracing and learning from the diverse customs and traditions that other cultures have developed to cope with grief. Cultures worldwide have over the centuries developed different and varied rituals to help humans process and heal through the grief experience. For centuries, communities around the world have created meaningful rituals to help individuals process loss and foster healing. The ‘Raising Our Light: An Evening of Remembrance, Connection, and Hope,’ taking place on January 9, 2025, at Montecito Union School at 6 pm, represents such a profound ritual—one that has become uniquely significant for our community after enduring a devastating tragedy. Personally, I am deeply grateful for our community’s compassion and dedication to hosting this event, which provides a space for shared healing and reflection. And although seven years have passed since the tragedy, I suspect that, for many of us, attending this gathering will make it feel as though it happened only yesterday.

My grief will never be gone because grief has no timeline. Despite what Mr. Brilliant says, my grief does, however, have a purpose. It is a way that I have been able to express my love for my husband and son. By allowing myself to grieve I have honored my humanity, fostered deeper connections with others, experienced new forms of personal growth, and fully engaged in the complexities of life.

Though I long for my family’s presence every day, I find solace in the way grief has helped me with healing, offering me strength and a way to express my love and the impact they’ve had on my life.