Meangirlism: Why This Ancient-Old Practice is Still a Thing

Over the summer, I read a review on the Mean Girls musical, and the critic was “shocked and saddened” to learn how relevant the themes remained 20 years after the release of the original film. Her words stayed with me for days, maybe even weeks, and returned full circle at the start of this school year.

Having two high schoolers, I am often around quite a few of these odd, wonderful, inspiring, alien-like creatures known as teenagers and have friends with kids the same age, so it only took a few days of school for the stories to be shared. “She was so mean to me in 8^th grade.” Or “I don’t think she likes me.” Or “So-and-so asked me to have lunch with them and then blew me off and ignored me.” And the old favorite, “I PROMISE I won’t tell anyone…”

For clarification, and to hopefully prevent any gender-specific moral outrage, I do realize that all genders can both experience and perpetrate this kind of bullying, but for the purpose of this piece I am focusing on the old-fashioned sneering, look someone up and down, what are you wearing, “Classic Mean Girl” phenomenon. 

I did a video on my Instagram account about this and was overwhelmed by how many people emailed, called, and texted to thank me for bringing it up. While pleased I was speaking to something that resonated with many, I couldn’t help wondering, How is this still a thing in 2024? My own dogs practically cancelled me the other day for calling them “golden” instead of “cream.” Retrievers can be woke. 

But Mean Girls? They are somehow still impervious to the cancel culture? And remember, Mean Girls can be any age.

It is probably best to start at the beginning. What is a Mean Girl, anyway?

According to Psychology Today, “Mean Girl Behavior” is a type of bullying and can take many forms: excluding others, taunting, spreading rumors, online harassment, shaming and much more. There are numerous theories behind the persistence of this almost clichéd dynamic, but many believe that as girls are taught from an early age “to be nice,” they adopt a more indirect aggression to navigate their complicated social dynamic. Whereas boys historically “duked it out,” girls weren’t given that option, so they internalized the conflict where it developed into what it is today.

When I first started dating my husband, we would often go hiking together. Always having been somewhat neurotic, he found my mountain lion phobia quite entertaining. Although I had never seen one or even spotted one in the distance, ever, it was a real fear for me. I asked him why he wasn’t concerned about these beautiful but deadly cats who could be lurking just around the corner, to which he replied, “I don’t have to be faster than the mountain lion, I just have to be faster than you.” 

And I still married him.

Could this be the evolutionary origins of The Mean Girl Movement? Is this their way of deflecting and distracting? “Don’t look at me, little kitty, look at her. She is the one wearing that ugly sweater and sitting with the class dork. OMG, your paws are so fetch.” Could this be the social survival of the fittest?

I asked Roxana Petty about it; she is executive director of AHA! Santa Barbara, a local group that “helps equip teenagers, educators, and parents with social and emotional intelligence to dismantle apathy, prevent despair and interrupt hate-based behavior.” This is what she had to say: “In the context of ‘mean girl’ behavior, we encounter young women who have experienced pain at some point in their lives and are unsure how to process their emotions other than by lashing out and harming others. This brings us back to the idea that hurt people often end up hurting others. This behavior is truly a call for help.” We also lamented at not only how long this has been going on, but that it is starting at an earlier age with a spike occurring in middle school/junior high. 

Not everyone who exhibits these behaviors has experienced “pain” or trauma, but there is a rising number of teens with anxiety, depression and eating disorders, so perhaps this is another way these young women are managing their stressors. Regardless, the common themes of most of these behaviors are acceptance and rejection. The girls wield their popularity as their most powerful weapon. Who will (socially) live and who will not. In the book Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman, she offers guidance in navigating these experiences with our daughters and has found that most of the time, this form of acting out is fleeting. 

But there are ways we can open the door to discussion with our kids to see if this is something they are experiencing or even initiating. Many parents aren’t aware that their own daughter is inflicting this pain on others. And sadly, these girls have come to view some of the bullying tactics as “normal.” Wiseman offers a wonderful example of this, which is a powerful reminder to us all. The difference between venting and gossip. Venting is just getting something off your chest, sharing with your BFF, your sister, your partner. Gossip is intentionally shared to make someone else look bad. This is big in the world of Mean Girls. The trading of information. Secrets are currency.

Also, not to be overlooked, what won’t we do to avoid pain? According to the International Honor Society of Psychology, “Social rejection activates some of the same brain pathways
as pain.” 

One of the things we can do to help, is to talk with our own daughters. What does it mean to them to be a Mean Girl? What is a behavior they have seen or experienced that might fall under this category? It just seems that we should be able to do better. To teach them better, to model kindness better – and above all, to be better.

Let’s open the conversation and see if we can use Wiseman’s words of wisdom to help the girls of today and to keep our own compasses of kindness firmly pointing north.