A Reason, A Season or A Lifetime: How We Define Friendship

I recently had an email exchange with a man who was interested in renting our vacation home for a stay with his grown sons. His wife had died the week before and as she loved the beach, he felt it would be a wonderful way to honor her. I offered what I hoped were words of comfort, as I often write about loss in my work. 

As the days unfolded, shards of grief would surface. “Her memorial is tomorrow,” he said. “Is it wrong that I just want it to be over with?” This began a series of exchanges in which we discussed loss and bereavement, among other things. I let him know that his feelings were completely natural and that a memorial (in any form) isn’t just to remember a person, but to commemorate a moment in time. A “before” and “after” which can often give permission for the heart to move forward. Not that grief is linear, but for many, the closure this type of ceremony offers can be the beginning of healing itself.

After this last email, I began to wonder what the odds were that a complete stranger would book a vacation at the home of someone who has a background in grief counseling and psychology. 

Why were this man and I connected at this exact moment in time?

A few days later, my question came full circle when I had the great pleasure of having dinner in Barcelona with friends from home, Renee Dektor (local singer, songwriter, sound circle wizard and Reiki practitioner) and her daughter, Amelia. During our hours and hours of eating, drinking and talking until we were almost bounced off of our table (ok, we were actually bounced off of our table) she shared an expression with me about friendship that I had never heard before.

“Reason, Season, Lifetime.”

This suddenly made so much sense to me. There was a reason the grieving man from Colorado messaged me about our home when he did. 

When I asked Renee if it was alright if I mentioned her and Amelia in this article by name, she immediately agreed then texted, “Which one am I?” I didn’t even have to think about it before I answered, “Duh. You are all three.”

Renee and I have known each other for years, our paths crossing through Cold Spring Elementary School, numerous mutual friends and now in the wellness community. We never run out of things to talk about, and I always feel that I have so much to learn from her. However, we aren’t (yet) the kind of friends who make plans one-on-one.

I feel we have many reasons we need to know one another; we have been through many seasons together already (raising young children, disasters and loss in our community, friends moving away and more) and that we will continue to cycle through this process throughout our lifetimes.

Being an avid researcher, I needed to find the origin of this expression she shared and while it seems to be a bit murky, most agree that it stems from a poem by Brian A. “Drew” Chalker in which he wrote, “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.” A bit anticlimactic, but nonetheless meaningful.

It made me dive deeper into the labels we assign to different platonic relationships and the values that unknowingly get applied to them in the process. 

“These are my oldest friends.” I say when introducing Cecilia and Katie, who I have known respectfully since I was 5 and 12. “This is my best friend,” I say when talking about Helene. We often laugh at the juvenile undertone of the term but feel no less inclined to use it. 

Then I have my high school friends, my college friends, my grad school friends, my work friends. Each knowing me in a different incarnation of myself. I realized that various relationships not only hold different meanings, but they give us permission to let out different sides of ourselves. 

Katie and Cecilia have always brought out the silly and mischievous side to me so I am always ready to laugh with them and say things that my 14-year-old self would have said. 

My high school friends have always seen me as “The Comedian” in the group, which creates an easy lapse into irreverent humor and stupidity. But I could tell my BFF that I just offed someone, and her first question would be how she could best protect me (or where we could hide the body.) I am my most honest self with her. Her actions have shown my unconscious mind that I am safe enough with her not to “be” any version of myself other than the one I am in that moment.

That is a powerful gift. And while some of us also have the good fortune to be friends with our romantic partners and/or our children, it is something quite profound to receive that kind of love and loyalty from someone who isn’t legally or ethically required to give it.

It turns out that having close friendships is also beneficial to our health. According to the American Psychological Association, people who have close friends are also less likely to die from all causes including heart disease and a wide range of chronic illnesses.

So, there you have it. Friendships are a powerful thing. Hold onto to the ones you have, and embrace the ones yet to come, regardless of the reason, the season, or the lifetime.