The Currency of Self-Worth

The year I was a therapy intern, I remember feeling a great sense of overall well-being. I knew I was being a good mom to my young children, and a loving and present partner to my husband. I was in graduate school to expand my mind, and I was being of service to low-income seniors in Santa Barbara. Looking back, I realize why this was such a high point in my life. I was thriving in some of the things I value most, motherhood, partnership, intellectual growth, and philanthropy. 

Since then, I have had periods when I was not only disengaged from philanthropy and intellectual curiosity, but I was certainly not thriving in them. And I could feel it. That’s why bad parenting moments still sting so keenly. I know I can do better, but I didn’t. 

What we base our self-worth on can have a ripple effect on our lives without us even realizing it. 

I spoke with Jenny Schatzle, local gym owner and motivational speaker, as I wanted to see if she often encounters people in her line of work that disproportionately tie their self-worth to their appearance. She started by telling me one of her favorite and most poignant lines, “Your looks are the least interesting thing about you.” Here! Here! While she won’t take credit for the quote’s origin, it is no less relevant. “I have seen clients who are visibly happier when they are losing weight, but not because they are getting healthier or stronger, it is about the number on the scale. And while I try not to focus on that as the goal, I can see that some people connect their happiness to how much they weigh.”

Jenny and I spoke at length about the balance between recognizing the importance of being healthy, without basing your entire emotional state on how big your thighs are. And while the media has made strides in encouraging body positivity, we still have a long way to go. For example, for some reason we are still comfortable commenting on one another’s body parts, something Jenny also speaks to. 

Before you get your knickers in a twist, think about this in your own life. “Your arms look great. What have you been doing?” “Your legs are so toned, are you a runner?” Truly. How often do we say or hear comments like this? 

There is a difference between commenting on the appearance of someone’s legs and admiring their discipline for being a runner. I am not saying that giving or receiving compliments on how someone looks isn’t ever appropriate, it is just recognizing how much merit we allocate to appearance over accomplishment and how we place value on a body part that could just as easily be the result of genetics as personal effort.

For some, these observations can be triggering, and even rooted in their upbringing. When I was growing up, it wasn’t uncommon for the mother of a dear friend of mine to openly say how “fat” her two daughters were. Or later, for a creepy neighbor to hug me around my waist after I had my babies to gauge how much weight I had gained or lost.

If we move away from our society that values appearance and financial success as benchmarks for greatness, the societal ethics of other cultures can often show us healthier markers on which to judge ourselves. Japan, Korea, China, Vietnam, and Native American cultures pride themselves on how they care for their elders, who are honored and celebrated. Other cultures such as Portugal, Mexico and Turkey value collectivism, meaning living your life for the greater good, rather than just your own needs. 

Our self-worth is rooted in our upbringing as well as in our surroundings. What are our caregivers modeling? What are our peers striving for? What are we being rewarded for? This is where much of our own self-worth is grounded, which is why it can be so unhealthy to base it on something as fleeting as appearance. I remember when my nieces and nephews were in high school, their homecoming court was selected based on how much the students had done for the school, not on how popular or good looking they were. Way to go El Molino! That seemed like a powerful step in the right direction, but sadly it isn’t the norm.

Social media also hasn’t helped the cause. Scrolling through Instagram, you see posts of beautiful people in toned bodies, some talking about their fitness and others just including it as part of who they are. Others are there to show you how you, too can get ripped abs by following their program. And it doesn’t seem to be getting much better. 

According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, a significant portion of the increase in plastic surgery procedures since the pandemic has been from millennial women (ages 31-45). Which isn’t that surprising given that they are among the biggest consumers of social media. 

While there are wonderful SM accounts that highlight the good people are doing, and in doing so, are placing value on it, I don’t often see accounts dedicated to how to respect our elders. Or how to get involved in more philanthropy, or how to increase our collective efforts as a community. How to be a better partner, friend, or parent. When we base our self-worth on fragile qualities such as our appearance, we are giving away much of our own power and subjecting our inner strength to much vulnerability.

There is nothing wrong with using health and strength as one metric in our overall basis for self-worth. Wanting to be fit, healthy and strong in our lives is a productive and adaptive goal toward fortifying the foundation of who you are and helping to create a healthy future. The problem is when we place so much value on the aesthetic aspects of our bodies, which naturally change and evolve with time, we are opening ourselves up to insecurities and maladaptive behaviors (such as eating and exercise disorders) as our bodies naturally change over time.

Perhaps it is time to refocus our energies and efforts as a society. Humans are complex beings, capable of infinite greatness. 

After all, your looks really are the least interesting thing about you.