The TootriSystem Bowl – Brown Versus Red

I’ve been on a nationally advertised diet for 4 score and 7 years now (actual time – 6 months) and though I’ve lost 38 pounds, I’m still wearing the same clothes. This is because I refused to buy bigger clothes during my long transformation from “young and thin” to “geezer and big-boned.” I wanted to be reminded that I needed to lose weight every time I bent over...or took a deep breath...or blinked. This worked to a certain extent. Many times after I soloed a large pizza someone would ask, “Want some pie for dessert?” The fact that my pants were cutting into me like a garrote would cause me to say, “Just a small piece.” This philosophy also afforded me the opportunity to tell people, “I’m still wearing the same size pants that I wore in high school.” If you think Houdini was a great illusionist, try to imagine me stuffing 271 pounds into 32-inch waist pants.

When you weigh 271 pounds, losing 38 pounds is not that noticeable, though I no longer have to play the See-If-You-Can-Tie-Grandpa’s-Shoes game. I really don’t feel much better, except for my feet. My arches actually sent me a thank you card, signed by everyone but my pinkie toe, who apparently still holds a grudge.

This column is not a glowing testimonial for the popular diet that we’ll call TootriSystem. The diet has been effective, but at what cost?

At first Lora would look at our giant box filled with TootriSystem entrees and gleefully ask, “How about Beef Stroganoff or Chicken Pasta Parmesan?” The second week she’d apathetically question, “Would you rather have Green Pepper Steak or Lasagna?” Around week three she’d bark, “What da ya want, brown or red?” It seems TootriSystem only has two sauces, and it doesn’t really matter what they place under them. Is that really chicken under that red sauce, or is it Chihuahua? What’s that smothered in brown sauce, beef or brogue? Most things weren’t that bad, but I never once said, “Can I have another shovelful of that?” Which I guess is a good thing, according to my arches. Some may ask, “When did the arches become more important than the taste buds? When did the ankles, knees, hips, back, and man-boobs take precedence over the palate?” At 271 pounds, that’s when!

Still, there’s at least one other problem with TootriSystem. Or, maybe I should say trouble with TootriSystem. I think I can describe this best in song:

“We got Trouble right here in Montecito City.

That’s Trouble with a capitol “T”

And that rhymes with “G” and that stands for Gas!”

I can only speculate that I’m having this flatulence crisis because many of the

TootriSystem products have soy and apparently soy does not mix well with Alexander. Remember about a year ago when everybody was performing that experiment of dropping several Mentos into a bottle of Diet Pepsi? Well, I think you get the picture.

I should also warn anyone on TootriSystem to stay away from chiropractors. I had to apologize to Dr. Archie Allen more times than FEMA did to New Orleans. And, I’m only guessing, but to avoid the possibility of flying around the room wildly, I decided to stay away from acupuncture while on this diet.

I suspect TootriSystem is to blame for me becoming an urban crop duster because I went off the diet during the holidays. During the period between December 17 and January 2, I didn’t break wind once. Alas, after one particular holiday party I found myself in an elevator in the local hotel with several obnoxious people, and though I strained like a weight lifter, nada.

Once the holidays expired, I went back on TootriSystem and my body once again started expressing itself in an obnoxious manner that had everyone around me looking for low-flying ducks. Even the cats found me objectionable. And, these are cats that will claw their way through a closed door to roll around in dirty socks.

So, even though I’ve lost 38 pounds, I figure I need to drop at least 20 more. Thank God spring is here and we can open the windows.